Parshas Vayeira 2015

Avraham sits at the tent in the heat of the day.  Shvitzin.  We know he just circumcised himself.  He was just circumcised!  He was sitting at the tent because he wanted to be there.  Forget the pain. forget about money, forget about people, he was given a direct command from God and he did it.  He fulfilled it.  He did what no one else on the planet did before him or has done after him.  99 years old, gave himself a bris milah.  The pain must have been significant.  Afterwords he didn't say, 'oh I need 2 weeks vacation now, I'm going to lie in bed, I've overextended myself again, I should rest or I might get sick.'    A friend of mine in yeshiva had his bris at 27.  He was in gigantic pain for works.  It was months till he was fully healed.  

Avraham was in touch with something inside of himself that allowed him to go deeper into life, deeper into himself without running away.  Most of us... well... most of us run away.  

Yet we have a super power strength inside of us, but we do not grab a hold of it for some reason.  We know it is real, we know it is there, but we are scared of it.  We somehow play it cool when it comes to this power.  As if we can access it when we want and we can do what we want, but when life brings this power into focus inside of us we don't actually tap into it.  We run away.

Avraham received the command, did it and now it was over.  He was on the other side of it.  He could look back with a smile.  Done.  Yet, he didn't take the vacation.  He was a new being and he just let that be.   

It's like being elected to a position.  You just became head administrator.  It took you weeks of campaigning and you finally won the position.  One could justifiably say that I need a little break so I can start fresh.  Avraham wasn't settling in.  He was jumping in.  He ran for mitzvah's.  He jumped for mitzvah's.  Avraham was doubling up his efforts now.  He was living on the edge.  Maybe he would get an infection!  He should let his immune system build up again.  We can all hear our mother's voices saying, 'stay in bed you need your rest!'

Avraham functioned on a superior level of human integrity that most of us are just not in touch with.  We know that the power is there and we know we have it.  This is the reason why we play down Avraham or any other Torah figure down.  'Not such a big deal, I've got that power'  'I can do that, if I put my focus on it.'  Exactly.  That's the point.  Avraham did it.  He was chosen.  He didn't make a big deal about it, he wasn't looking for credit, he was looking to do the work.  

There's a famous saying in business, be among the one's who want to do the work, not among the ones who want the credit.  This way you'll have no competition.  No one is competing to just do the work, everyone is competing to get the credit.

He was living on the edge.  The fears of life, the boundaries to which most people live within, he was passing over.  It was just not going to be a boundary that he was going to be restrained by.

To do this you must go inside yourself.  What you find when you really find your insides, should scare you.  Avraham's commitment, his unriveled dedication to do the mitzvah's of Hashem as a new creation is beyond words or superficial descriptions.  He was living life as it was meant to live.  Entirely dedicated mind, heart and body to service.  He wasn't scared, he wasn't timid.  Life was right here, right now.  And noway he was going to miss it. 

He was given the opportunity and he was jumping in all the way.

Noach the inspirer?

We know that Hashem delayed the mabul for 120 years to give the people an opportunity to return, to do Teshuva.  He had Noach build the ark over this time and the intention was that the people would see Noach building the ark and ask him 'hey what in the world are you doing?'.  He would respond Hashem is going to bring a flood because of how people are acting.  And then the people would repent and act good again.

A few pasukim later we see that the 120 years has passed and the rain and floods start to come.  The pasuk says 'Noach entered the ark, and his sons, his wife and his sons' wives with him, because of the waters of the flood.  Rashi says 'Even Noach was lacking in faith.  He wavered in his belief that the flood would come and did not enter the ark until the waters forced him.'

Question: If Noach is lacking in his faith, how in the world is he supposed to be the one to cause everyone else to do Teshuva.  Hashem set it up so that people would see the ark and talk to Noach and then do Teshuva.  How is the one who lacks faith to going to inspire the wicked sinner to do Teshuva?

Survival is more than surviving

Built into Hashem's creatures is a survival instinct.  The instinct is extremely powerful, energized and has been given the ability to override all our senses.  Mind, body and soul become instantly negated when this instinct becomes active.

The Yetzer Hara knows this well.  He plays off it.  He will create fears and scary thoughts that will 'ping', 'tap' or 'awaken' this instinct by creating scenarios, all phony, that make it believe that survival is at stake.  This 'ping' gives the YH access to the most powerful and automated force in a person.  

This trick from the YH is not a theory.  It is managing the inner drama of our lives.  It keeps our finder right near the panic button.  It keeps us worrying.  It keeps us thinking.  It keeps us occupied.

We must find a way out.

Parshas Noach - 2015

Breishis 6:14
Rashi - "Make for yourself and ark"

"Maybe they would repent" Rashi.  

Sounds passive.  I would think since the generation is so corrupt it would seem obvious that they would not do teshuva just by watching him build an ark for 120 years.  So what is Hashem's plan here?  I'm thinking fire and brimstone for the wicked and Hashem is saying light and fluffy.

When Hashem provides a way for people to do teshuva, it must be the very best, there's nothing better.  Hashem is perfect.  Whenever Hashem does something it is perfect.  There is no wrong.  This reads smooth but is a concept to ponder.  

Hashem doesn't make mistakes?  Hashem is perfect?  Wow.  And me.  What about me?  Do I make mistakes?  Is everything I do perfect?  Hmmm.  Hashem does not try and fail.  Chas v'shalom.  Of course not.  Yet we see Hashem wanted the people of Noach's generation to do teshuva and what happened?  They didn't.  The world and all of them were destroyed.  Hmm.

The world, the people in it have free choice.  Here it is at play.  Hashem wants one way, the people choose another.  So is Hashem making his first mistake?  

Hashem provided them an incredible way for to choose to do teshuva.  Everyday for 120 years people would see Noach building this ark.  Piece by piece.  Everyday Hashem was putting this out there for them to see.  An opportunity.  A person can be influenced to do good or be influenced to bad.  We know also that a person can be influenced to do teshuva.  No one will arguing this.  The point is why isn't he bringing the thunder and lightning or use a scare tactic that sends it home a little better. Ie, start the rain, make it come down hard, a make pretend flood!  

So Rashi says 'maybe they would repent', why the maybe?  Guess what, these people of that generation were long gone.  They only thing Hashem could provide for them was a rope for them to climb up.  Maybe they'll take hold of it maybe they won't.  
When it comes to teshuva Hashem wants it for us, but doesn't 'do it' Himself.  (R' Frand)

Even for the very wicked who are going to be destroyed.  He cannot make people do teshuva.  This is happening all over Torah.   Ninveh, Yirmiyahu. Moshe Rabbeinu.

How do we know Hashem desires teshuva?  Look here at Noach.  Hashem makes him build an ark over 120 years so people would have the chance to do teshuva!  He wants teshuva and He's very patient to receive it.

in this moment

I have a passion for life.  When I hear delicate music, I feel the delicate parts of me rise to the surface.   move to experience something deeper within myself and within life as a whole.

Part of me
Hoping I don't do something wrong.

Part of me
Enjoying the emotional highs and emotional drama.  Enjoying the suspense.  The music.

Yom Kippur 2015

I needed to pump my fist for Neilah.  I was cried out, tired and hungry.  I checked in with my voices and yup, they were telling me I was cried out, tired and hungry.  I looked at the words and they looked so bland to me.   I didn't see much at all actually.  It was like looking through the words.  So much repetition, my mind was numb.

Listening to Rabbi Wachsman speak, it's been about 5 months since I've heard him or seen him and it was really impactful.  The story about Yidela, I was full of tears.  Even writing the neilah blog I started to cry.  Also filling our hearts with good stuff not shtuss.  While he was saying this I was thinking about the work of the heart, the enneagram, awareness, personality stuff, teshuva, etc.  

I used to think that my thoughts and the thoughts of those I was reading were the most important.  Once I form that 'coalition', most of the other stuff I hear I don't think is really necessary.  I think I've got what I need and I just need to do more work.  Yet, I've been surprised recently.  Reading about anger from A River, A Kettle and a Bird, kind of woke me up the fact that I don't have all the answers.  Kind of hurt a little.  Was good to read, hurt the ego a little bit but that is okay with me.  I'm pretty clear that if it hurts my ego than I'm going in the right direction.  (not so great when someone else hurts my ego, harder to catch in the act).

So I got rolling with Neilah, B''H. And then was just crying as I read the words.  I needed Hashem to be the one to forgive.  No one could do this.  I needed to be forgiven.  You favor 'the repentance of the wicked, and You do not desire their death'.  Thankfully.  I realized that I was a sinner and needed to be forgiven.  Doesn't write well at all, sounds very christian like.  I don't think someone who's not religious would understand, they would just see this as religious garbage.  This is paradise.

Ki Savo - 2015

The Pasuk says, Hayom - Hazeh.  This day.  Rashi brings the Medrish, 

"
"

It says 'this day' but it really means 'everyday'.  Ie, this day is today and then when tomorrow comes it will be called this day as well, not referring back to the day before but 'this day', ie this new day.  And the day after, will be called 'this day', and so forth.

What does this mean?  If the Torah wanted these Mitzos to apply every day and we should act as if they are ours to do everyday, why didn't it just say 'bichol yom', everyday.  Then I would know what I am to do and that I need to do it everyday.  'This day' has me thinking only that day, when it happened back then.  Or that day and on that day every year we should do xyz.

To me, it means as follows.

This day is stated in the Torah to teach us a new concept.  A concept that we need to know this day and not another day, hayom hazeh, v'lo hayom acher.  This is step 1 and not an easy one.  It is actually just under our radar of being important.  'Yes, I know this day and not another day'.  Rav Moshe Shapiro is known to have said, if you are not on the edge of your seat when you're learning Torah, then you are not learning Torah.  What he means is that Torah is so incredibly out of the box, or out of this world exciting, that you couldn't possibly be thinking about what your learning to the point that you're actually 'not learning Torah'.  

Hayom Hazeh v'lo Hayom Acher.  Makes me wonder why Rashi didn't say this.  He brings the Medrish instead.  It must be that's what is the correct way to view the p'shat.  But reading the Medrish it doesn't sound like p'shat, sounds complex.  Like 'it's something I'll get to one day, hopefully.'  If the Torah should have me at the edge of my seat, how do I get there?

Hayom Hazeh