I needed to pump my fist for Neilah. I was cried out, tired and hungry. I checked in with my voices and yup, they were telling me I was cried out, tired and hungry. I looked at the words and they looked so bland to me. I didn't see much at all actually. It was like looking through the words. So much repetition, my mind was numb.
Listening to Rabbi Wachsman speak, it's been about 5 months since I've heard him or seen him and it was really impactful. The story about Yidela, I was full of tears. Even writing the neilah blog I started to cry. Also filling our hearts with good stuff not shtuss. While he was saying this I was thinking about the work of the heart, the enneagram, awareness, personality stuff, teshuva, etc.
I used to think that my thoughts and the thoughts of those I was reading were the most important. Once I form that 'coalition', most of the other stuff I hear I don't think is really necessary. I think I've got what I need and I just need to do more work. Yet, I've been surprised recently. Reading about anger from A River, A Kettle and a Bird, kind of woke me up the fact that I don't have all the answers. Kind of hurt a little. Was good to read, hurt the ego a little bit but that is okay with me. I'm pretty clear that if it hurts my ego than I'm going in the right direction. (not so great when someone else hurts my ego, harder to catch in the act).
So I got rolling with Neilah, B''H. And then was just crying as I read the words. I needed Hashem to be the one to forgive. No one could do this. I needed to be forgiven. You favor 'the repentance of the wicked, and You do not desire their death'. Thankfully. I realized that I was a sinner and needed to be forgiven. Doesn't write well at all, sounds very christian like. I don't think someone who's not religious would understand, they would just see this as religious garbage. This is paradise.
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