I needed to pump my fist for Neilah. I was cried out, tired and hungry. I checked in with my voices and yup, they were telling me I was cried out, tired and hungry. I looked at the words and they looked so bland to me. I didn't see much at all actually. It was like looking through the words. So much repetition, my mind was numb.
Listening to Rabbi Wachsman speak, it's been about 5 months since I've heard him or seen him and it was really impactful. The story about Yidela, I was full of tears. Even writing the neilah blog I started to cry. Also filling our hearts with good stuff not shtuss. While he was saying this I was thinking about the work of the heart, the enneagram, awareness, personality stuff, teshuva, etc.
I used to think that my thoughts and the thoughts of those I was reading were the most important. Once I form that 'coalition', most of the other stuff I hear I don't think is really necessary. I think I've got what I need and I just need to do more work. Yet, I've been surprised recently. Reading about anger from A River, A Kettle and a Bird, kind of woke me up the fact that I don't have all the answers. Kind of hurt a little. Was good to read, hurt the ego a little bit but that is okay with me. I'm pretty clear that if it hurts my ego than I'm going in the right direction. (not so great when someone else hurts my ego, harder to catch in the act).
So I got rolling with Neilah, B''H. And then was just crying as I read the words. I needed Hashem to be the one to forgive. No one could do this. I needed to be forgiven. You favor 'the repentance of the wicked, and You do not desire their death'. Thankfully. I realized that I was a sinner and needed to be forgiven. Doesn't write well at all, sounds very christian like. I don't think someone who's not religious would understand, they would just see this as religious garbage. This is paradise.
The Pasuk says, Hayom - Hazeh. This day. Rashi brings the Medrish,
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It says 'this day' but it really means 'everyday'. Ie, this day is today and then when tomorrow comes it will be called this day as well, not referring back to the day before but 'this day', ie this new day. And the day after, will be called 'this day', and so forth.
What does this mean? If the Torah wanted these Mitzos to apply every day and we should act as if they are ours to do everyday, why didn't it just say 'bichol yom', everyday. Then I would know what I am to do and that I need to do it everyday. 'This day' has me thinking only that day, when it happened back then. Or that day and on that day every year we should do xyz.
To me, it means as follows.
This day is stated in the Torah to teach us a new concept. A concept that we need to know this day and not another day, hayom hazeh, v'lo hayom acher. This is step 1 and not an easy one. It is actually just under our radar of being important. 'Yes, I know this day and not another day'. Rav Moshe Shapiro is known to have said, if you are not on the edge of your seat when you're learning Torah, then you are not learning Torah. What he means is that Torah is so incredibly out of the box, or out of this world exciting, that you couldn't possibly be thinking about what your learning to the point that you're actually 'not learning Torah'.
Hayom Hazeh v'lo Hayom Acher. Makes me wonder why Rashi didn't say this. He brings the Medrish instead. It must be that's what is the correct way to view the p'shat. But reading the Medrish it doesn't sound like p'shat, sounds complex. Like 'it's something I'll get to one day, hopefully.' If the Torah should have me at the edge of my seat, how do I get there?
Hayom Hazeh
Rabbi Wachsman gave a drasha right before Neilah.
His uncle was killed in the war at age 11. He never knew him. The story is that his grandmother had 6 children, they were from Slovakia. Yidela (his uncle) was going to go to a Yeshiva in Hungary. His grandmother took him there via train. On the way back there were rumors that the Germans were going to invade Hungary. And the borders would close and there would be no way to get Yidela out and back home. The mother started to panic. Each stop on the train there were more and more people talking about the invasion.
A Jewish man saw her and asked what was wrong. She told him the story. He asked her how many children are in Slovakia and how many in Hungary. She said 5 in Slovakia and 1 in Hungary. He said you have to go to the 5. They are going to need their mother.
Sure enough as they got close to the border it was being sealed up. They were able to pass but just barely. The mother than began sending in a spy who would go into Hungary and try and get Yidela out. The mother could see there were people passing the gate, going underneath, sneaking this way and that. There were people on the other side calling for their loved ones.
The spy got in but couldn't get to Yidela before the Germans took him and brought him to Auschwitz. There's the mother calling from the border gates, 'yidela, where are you, where are you.'.
Hashem is calling to us. The gates are closing. Yidela were are you? Yidela are you coming. There's the family on the side of the gate they are all calling, where are you? Neilah, the gates are closing are going to cross?
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We are filling our hearts with such shtuss. Hashem made us in such a way we can be so great. I see a lot of Bachurim in the audience. They say about Rebbe Yehuda that before he was nifter he lifted his hands and said these fingers have never experience pleasure. Bochurim, you should be able to lift your fingers and say this. Keep away from smartphones. There's nothing there for you. I promise you. Keep yourselves pure. Keep your fingers and your hearts pure.
We need to fill our hearts and our minds with good things. There is so much for us to fill our hearts with. Instead we fill it with such shtoose.
I thought the elevated approach to understanding the words in Krias Sh'ma 'love Hashem with all of your heart' were that since it says with all your heart, and it's a command, it must be it is possible to love Hashem with 'not all your heart'. And this in effect would not be fulfilling this command. In addition it also says that we are in fact not 'one'. By the Torah having to say that we need to love Hashem with all our hearts it must be we are in parts and not one.
If we are parts then in order to love Hashem with 'all of our hearts' we must have knowledge of the many aspects of our hearts, even the aspects we may not like that much or do all we can to avoid and think about, those parts of ourselves we must also somehow direct to Hashem and love Hashem. This is what it means when it says 'love Hashem with all of your heart'. Ie all. All parts, the parts we know, the parts we don't, the parts we like the parts we don't. The message I took from this understanding was that in order to fulfill Hashem's commands we must have knowledge of ourselves. Constantly exploring. That's how we get to all, little bits at a time.
The other idea I took from this was that 'all' is a term that works well in math or in physical things but not much else. Ie, we will never fully know all of our hearts, so the level of 'all' is always changing, going up. Meaning that when I know myself now, clearly, hopefully I will know more about me in 5 years. So the all at that point would be different, it would be more of 'all'.
Thinking about this, after having originally thought about this idea a few months ago, now I see it slightly differently. When the Torah says 'b'chol l'vavicha', I think it means your whole heart. It's not about exploring all aspects of your heart as above, in understanding your whole heart it means that the whole thing is accessible in this moment. In an instant you can experience your whole heart. How does that work exactly?
When you step outside your normal emotional boundaries, (hopefully will be a separate entry at some point) allowing the concept that Hashem is here and now in this moment, you access a 'whole' world of emotions that were not there before. The magic is that once you slightly enter this space, its an entirely huge open room of here and now. Of awe of expansiveness. When you glimpse into this space you sense the pure beauty of life and Hashem's commandments. You now can love Hashem with your whole heart. You are accessing it.
This makes sense. The commandments must be accessible to all. Not just the holy or the Rabbinic or the Torah scholar. But the limitation is that the commandments, though they are accessible to all, you must be willing to 'go there' within yourself if you wish to achieve loving Hashem with your whole heart. The Rabbi's and the Torah scholars have done the work, through Ameilus in the Torah they have uncovered, dealt with and worked through many aspects of internal life that will provide them the accessibility of this place.
If you have not done this the command is also available to you and it is no further than the Torah scholar, it is simply a road you had yet to travel so the experience may be a little jarring at first.
It brings you to a place
